I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
