So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
