I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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