the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
