He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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