i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
