The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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