we have pet lesbian snakes
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
