I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
