I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
