remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
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She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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