thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
