When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
