In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
