He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
