I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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