She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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