sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
