My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
