I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
