I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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