I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
