dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
