around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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