just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
