Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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