So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This is classic penis vs brain.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
