I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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