K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
