before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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