If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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