There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
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I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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