I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
worst night to have a conscience
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
