I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
