My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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