Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
