Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
