He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
