from now on my penis is your penis
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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