so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
