just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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