ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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