tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
