Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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