Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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