I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
