Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
