Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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