he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
