I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
