He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
