I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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