Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am one with the molecules
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
