I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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