The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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