New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
