This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
