I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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