I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
