girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
