Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The uberlube is also flammable
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
