My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
