There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
