Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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