Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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