Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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